A little thought

A person who never made a mistake, never tried anything new.

Einstein

My rambles are in shambles!

I wrote this a while ago:

I feel that there is a misconception by many people that I have a picture perfect idea of what I want and what my plans are. I don’t have a perfect idea. In fact, I only have the smallest tickle of a concept that float about in my mind. To be honest, I’m scared. Of a lot of silly things I suppose. But I’m scared nonetheless. And, since I’m not scared of a lot of other things, I’m going to use the ‘scareds’ that I’m entitled to on this. I’ve never really known what I wanted to do and I still don’t. I don’t really want to do medicine. I don’t want to do teaching. I don’t want to go to university. But then, I don’t want anything to be any other way either. I’m tired of trying to never make mistakes and of people believing that I do my assignments weeks in advance. I do a lot of things ‘just in case’. So, I see trying to finish things on time and do well in studies as another ‘just in case’. The main thing that got me through high school was thinking ‘if I do well now then I can get a good job and move out’. During school, I hated being at home. I would stay back longer at school, go to libraries, go to friend’s houses. When I was at home I’d go to bed before everyone else got home so I wouldn’t see them and then get up early while the house was still quietly mine. I was being silly of course. I should have tried harder right? To talk to others, sort out problems. I did try. Don’t think that I didn’t. But at the time, it was easiest to not feel caught up. I’m not particularly clever really or athletic or artistic. I really don’t think I am.

I wrote this today:

Despite much denial, I realise now I do not trust many of the people that I suppose I should and least of all myself. I don't believe anything I think. I don't believe my own opinion, what I hear, feel or think that I understand. I hope my tone isn't one of spite or anger because I really don't mean it that way. I'm sad, and scared and confused. I feel terribly alone. I want to believe in someone whole heartedly. I want to believe that everything they say is true. I've never felt more frightened in my life. I'm too scared to hold on to any thoughts. I was scared to even form an opinion in this blog, to express my 'perspective'.

I'm so sorry for the way I was and probably still am. I am so so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you all deserved. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you all wanted. I'm sorry I still have no clue what I want. I'm sorry I don't function within what you expect. I'm sorry for saying sorry, then I guess I'm not really sorry.

I wish things were different. I hate having to wait although I know I probably should learn to wait. Don't tell me that.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to fall back on who would make me feel like they completely understood and just agreed with me even if I was raving on about something ridiculous. I wish I could then trust them enough to tell me when it was enough. I really need help.