Him: Do you remember that day you fell outta my window?

Today we will be discussing the extent to which one may encounter feelings of personal anachronism or simple desynchronisation with the oneself. Clinical manifestations of this syndrome include spiritual distension, spinal mal-alignment and hallucinations. Behavioural manifestations include obsessive compulsive tendencies followed be periods of doll-bludging mirrored behaviour.

Case Study I

Patient, Miss Man, is an 8 year-old female. An admission, patient presents with tachypnoea (respiratory rate 30: breaths per minute) and bradycardia (heat rate: 60 beats per minute). Patient is febrile at 39 degrees Celsius and is nauseated.

Project full moon encounters

I had a book of AMAZING facts when I was young. I don't remember the title (although it was something to the effect of '101 AMAZING facts'). I'm not sure if I still even have it. What I do remember is one particular page with a cartoon picture of a full moon and a person howling in the foreground. Their lips were pursed like a trumpet, head tossed back and back arched like an over-extending ballerina. This wasn't the first project, but it was one of many. After reading the page, I remember taking a ruler and a pencil and drawing up a grid. I then took down the family calendar and record all the dates of upcoming full moons. I then, wrote down the names of all my closet friends and families along the left hand side of the page. I wanted to test out this 'AMAZING' fact; People became 'crazy' during full moons. The plan was to give a short record and then rating of every person's behaviour during the full moon- assuming of course that I was not to be influenced by the full moon myself and thus alter results.

Toilet paper collection

I can't believe I'm admitting this to an invisible audience. I would be lying to say that in retrospect I'm not sure what the fascination was; I used to collect toilet paper. The thickness, patterns, size of squares from house to house. I still vividly remember taking my one square sample from my cousin's house, folding it carefully and putting it into my pocket. I'm not too sure what happened to the collection. I believe that in the end I just kept misplacing the small squares or changing my mind about what to do with them. Did I get obsessive with this? Yes. Lo and behold my failure the day I forgot to collect a good sample.

Leaf/flower pressing

Preservation. Although, I was clearly young and did not have a much of a clue for abstract contracts, I do feel that I was immensely pressured by the thought of the impending impermeability of time.

And so I said.

I'm sifting through old photographs, worn receipts and feeling awfully sheltered in my trackpants and jumper.

So I said that I would write and keep up my projects. I also said that my only excuses for not writing would ever be:
1. Stress
2. Depression
3. Falling blindly in love

I'm proud to say that I was stupid (and probably still am) and very wrong.

My life has flipped around. I've never been so scared yet excited and restless before in any time that I can remember.

I would brief it out but I shall contain myself for now and wait for another time to write.

Dinner Time

Egg, onion, garlic, chili, ginger - let the stinkyness begin!

anicpay round II

Panic has crept up on me again. It's not just in my head. It's definitely physiological. My heat rate has escalated beyond what it would normally be after an hour running. My body is radiating heat as though I've got fire under my skin and my lips are dry and peeling. I think this panic comes about when I've been bottling things down a lot so that I can 'get on with the job'. I can't see clearly. Nothing feels right and I doubt everything. I need to catch up on reading everyone else's blogs and it's probably about time I wrote a proper blog again. For now I must essay away and stop freaking out over my own little phantoms.

Ho ho hoe down!

I have a pile of papers on my desk to sort through. My 'finances'. Basically I was really strict with myself about writing down all of my credits and debits each month. I would calculate the savings earnt and see if it matched my budget. But then I stopped caring. I decided I was too uptight about everything. Oh lordy. I think I got sick of being the responsible studious, savings, proper, hardworking person who is waiting for that distant moment in the future.

Right now I'm listening to the lemonheads I'm discovering a lot of new music lately. I feel like I've been trapped in a classical/romantic period bubble. It was a nice bubble but now I feel like the times are changing. I like the kooks too. Gosh I feel so worldly !

I love lindt chocolate no matter what anyone says about it.

Lately I've been feeling really bummed. I've been trying to make myself wake up and just be feliz (happy) but I can't seem to be able to.

Music really helps and old friends. Those people make me glow with love.

Yes, I am procrastinating.

anicpay

Feeling panicked again. I'm not sure what's wrong. I have no clue why all of a sudden everything seems to be slapping me in the face. I need a friend.

the garden dress

the garden dress was not a garden dress at all. it wasn't the sort of thing you would wear whilst crawling on soft, moist fertiliser or to brush the sweat from your brow. it was beautiful. beautiful material, beautifully cut, beautifully fitting. i wished you could have seen me in it and loved me. but then i scolded myself. it should not be like that at all.

i wish i knew best, and i wish i could make the right choices. well, perhaps not even 'right' or 'wrong' just the better alternative. tonight i don't feel angry at myself. i feel frustrated with time, with others, with fear, with social politics. especially the latter. i feel ancient, like my skin is becoming coarse and my lips thinner. I feel like my hairline is receding and my eye lashes thinning. i feel as if weight is slowly becoming a terrible lover that is clinging to every inch of my body. i feel my back is arching as i begin to cocoon and cradle the small foetus that i will become. but i'm not angry at myself. i don't hate myself. i just feel scared. scared that slowly yet surely i will be less and less wanted. i feel that slowly but surely my time of being noticed and special and certain has passed. i'm disappointed that i spent that time fretting and not embracing. now, i'm trying so desperately hard to embrace everything because the directors that drive my mind in the hard times are far too domineering. my mum says that i'm beautiful and that i look much younger and fresher these days. but she's my mother and although i want to trust her, i know that she too has her own selfish agendas of protection and control. the more i stay here and seek comfort it what is, the more i want to run away. whatever happened to our meeting at the airport? whatever happened to falling in love with strangers? it was real for me. i don't want to be rational and logical and intelligent if it means i cannot and should not believe in the authenticity and innocence of people. perhaps it is because i feel broken or because i was missed my grandest opportunities. i feel like i'm getting sick and maybe it is because i shared a drink with you. i feel afraid. i should probably go to sleep and wake up to the new day. then i should drag myself to leave the covers and go for a run. then i should photocopy the book to put the songs in a book for my friend. then i should go to the post office and buy more stamps. i lost my stamps. i had so many too. i need to write to another friend. but i am utterly insane. it was better off this way. i've let things go now, you can't hold on to things.

whatever happened to carpe diem. why are we so afraid? we complain of institutionalism and yet we are the ones who set the constructs in our lives. there's a reason why i prefer romantic to classical and jazz to pop.

sometimes we just need to take one day at a time. i still just want to wear black and tie my hair and cover my face. i just feel like it is better that way. what if you could make their day? i know it would make mine. maybe there's a new philosophy coming into play. i'll let you know once i figure it out for myself. there's no need to ask for your approval. you would say no anyway.