dangerous thoughts

We are no longer immune to time. Definitely not. How did we defy it in our younger years as children?


Life has been very difficult. No. That is unfair. It is only as difficult as you make it.


I have been very fortunate, but also unfortunate in my life. The balance is there, that must be solely what this is.


Another death, another argument worse than a death, making you think and feel like death would be a much better escape. Another failure, false solace from the ones who "love you", vindication, fighting, constantly, continuous - eternal.


And the silence.


A painful science.


In my honesty, I have not played the piano lately, I have played it - I won't deny, but perhaps just twice in a week or less for a few minutes at a time. I want to just sit and play, I'd love to be able to do just that. But I am letting time pass me by. There is so much to do and the critics seem to have high hopes for you.


I want the days to stop. Just stop. I want to sleep and rest, but I cannot. I had my time and I chose to not rest. So now, in this period where I should be working harder than ever, I need a break. I have to remember to forget about those times and focus on "the task at hand".


All I wish is for someone to come and explain the catch phrase, sort out my thoughts and give me a white road strip to follow. For someone to not ask me questions of why or how or want - want want want - like they always do in return. Just simply say "there you go, this was my good deed for the day".


It is utterly incredibly how alone you feel when people create images of you. They believe you are achieving and well and strong and that no one would ever think otherwise of you. They create distance and think it's all just fine. But it's not. It's not. The more you do, the more they expect, the less achievements become noteworthy. And then there are others who just leave. Leave because they do not want you to succeed this time. They will not help. They will not move for you.


I cannot make a mistake. I cannot show signs of being human, why? Because it means I am ungrateful, I am not driven, I am distracted and tainted and no longer who I used to be.


You are not who you once were as a child. I miss that child.


There is no difference. As we grow we learn to adapt according to the world we grew up in.


I try not to make mistakes, and not to miss out, but time, time is something I am unable to fight.


There are days when we plan the music at our funerals, our deaths - preferably before the funeral - others our weddings, our daily routine, dream careers, what we would do if this person left, or "if we won lotto we would.." More and more I find I need to plan and still yet more I find I need to withdraw, drown myself far in the ocean and await a real silence rather than the one that seems to have gripped my life.