I'm at my happiest when I'm surrounded by plants, when I'm planting, when I'm in a park. I feel a sense of guilt and depression to see wilted flowers in supermarkets.
I'm at my happiest when I'm composing or totally absorbed in a piece of music that I love.
I'm at my happiest when I'm hugging someone that I really care about.
I've realised that things need to change in the now. I make plans because I'm not happy in the present. I've found that a lot of the reasons that I'm unhappy have to do with conclusions I've come to in my head, but cannot repeat, for fear that they're false and I wouldn't want to lie to you. I make up happy endings in my head. The endings are always happy when they lead me away from here.
I am at my happiest when I can be myself.
I am at my happiest when no one expects anything from me. I hate people knowing about anything that I've achieved or done because most people will treat me differently. I hate that. So I suppose you study all the time. BULL SHIT. I don't like that at all. I like trying things and giving things a go. No one ever asks me about my favourite song. It's always what's your BEST song or the HARDEST song that I've ever had to play. I don't understand why.
Yet things are never good enough. I was never enough. And I guess I'm afraid that I never will be. I wish I had someone who could completely understand me and just laugh at my moments of bipolar mood swings. Don't be silly Anna - it's all just chemical. I try to tell myself that. But it's hard to believe when tears won't stop coming out of your eyes and you will as if you are about to be sick.
I'm hoping for a better time. I'm hoping for a change. I'm trying so hard to be the change I want to see in my world. I'm terribly lost and confused about so many things. I won't tell anyone the whole truth. Because nothing's wrong. In some way it's easier that way. With my mum it is anyway. I just have to smile (but not too much) and reassert that everything is fine and that I am following the average path of every other ordinary person my age. But that's not true. That's a lie. I don't like lies. I don't like it when people pretend.
I'm learning the hard way that perhaps I was right not to have faith in others. Yet, in the same neuron transmission of thought I feel that now is perhaps the time when I need most of my faith.
I'm so awfully sorry. For everything. Really, I am. And I wish things could have been different. And yet, I know they never will, because if I were you and she was her, I would have run a long time ago.
2 comments:
I guess it's easier for people to believe that they understand you. When they tell you stuff like that, I'm assuming they usually have good intentions...they're trying to relate to you on a level they think you'd be most interested in. But this whole easier option isn't foolproof as we can see...it's almost too easy to assume that everyone is a 2D object. In their head you're a triangle, and if you suggest to them to try and look at you as a cube, for example, it's not that easy to change their opinion when all they see is 3 sides and 3 corners.
you always manage to make everything sound so much simpler and wiser miss yam-ba =). I still have something to give to you which as soon as I go on holidays I will endeavor to finish!
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